Walking on quicksand

When you're walking on quicksand, every step you take will drive you down.

Of course, I am the one who has to be grounded so I can stand on firm ground.

I am standing on firm ground.  This is it.

Not walking on quicksand anymore.

Yes and no.

Not walking on quicksand but the feeling is still there.
Denying that feeling is even worse.

I abhor violence

I abhor violence.

I   ABHOR violence.

I have seen domestic violence at home as a child and very often I was subjected to that. My father would react and overreact in a violent way quite often.

Physical punishment was inflicted to children on a daily basis by my mother and sometimes by my father. Those times I cannot forget since he would punch me with an open fist.  He would punch a preschooler with an open fist.  I hated my father and I made a promise to myself of NEVER being like him.  It took me years to see him as a man who had no emotional intelligence, a man who would act a certain way because he couldn't do any better. And, he was my father, an ontological reality.

Allegations of violence or hints of violence by my ex in the social media felt like being slapped in the face in front of a crowd. 

There were other issues but  I'm over those.

Hypothetical thinking vs wishful thinking

Hypothetical thinking sounds like a vast array of possibilities for thought.

On the other hand, wishful thinking is what it is, just envision things the way they could have happened (the way you'd like they happened).  And this can only lead to sorrow, anguish, depression, anxiety...

Face reality.
- Look/move forward
- As you move forward, don't deny your own emotions, mixed feelings

Carrying an ex on your mind
Carrying an ex on your heart
a heavy burden it is
like
     a
        knife
               piercing
                           through
                                       my chest
like a direct blow
                           to the liver

you stumble
                   move sideways
                   and then a sudden jab
                                     to your face
and you collapse
like a rag doll
                      and you try to get up
                             only to make it worse
stay down!
                 you hear that voice shouting
but you stand up
                  and a direct cross to the stomach
                                                   drives you down
and you stay down
                     crying
                     feeling like you've lost everything
                                          feeling like you've been cut off
and then, slowly
               lick your wounds,
                               vulnerable as hell
                                                 lick your wounds
                                as soon as you can
there's a long way to go
                       before you even begin to grow
                       before you even begin to learn
you hope you'll find strength
remembering the good things
but sometimes
                       they hurt you even more
but sometimes
                        they hurt you as much
                                                   as the sudden breakup
they hurt as much
                            as the feeling of not knowing what hit you
                                 the feeling of not knowing where exactly
                                                             the sudden breakup hit you
and every time you recall
in anguish and shame
your sudden pathetic fall
                     your mantra echoes
                     your
                             inner
                                     voice
                             keeps
                                      ringing in your ears
                                      not again
                                      not again
                                      not again.
                   

Fundamentals

Work on health, my own health.

Visiting PCP every 3 months is not enough. "Gotta be your own doctor as well."  -- Jorge T.

The Hunza people, McCarrington's research.  Longevity, never get cancer.

All human diseases are within us, dormant.

Watch out for stress.

Food, exercise, etc.

Everything is interrelated.

I can't complain

Relatively speaking, I can't complain.

I have a life.  I like my life.
This doesn't mean  I don't aspire to achieve certain things but I shouldn't rush.
I should take a deep breath, embrace the aftermath of this part of life, now that the left part of my brain is beginning to take over, after the emotional rollercoaster.

Thus spoke my Uruguayan alter ego

Yesterday afternoon I heard the voice of my Uruguayan alter ego.  He spoke, finally.
Maybe I should pay more attention to him.
Maybe I should listen to him once in a while.
Maybe I should have listened to him more often.
And now he spoke.  Life sometimes gives a man such a chance.

I lost by knockout but I must go on

I admit it.
I lost.
I lost by knockout.
  A couple of jabs to the face
                  and a cross straight to the liver
  that one hurt, a low blow, okay
                  but very effective
I didn't see it coming
I was stunned
   collapsed to the floor
   struggled to stand up before the protection count
   and I was driven to the ground
   once
   twice
and I stayed down
   exhausted
   in pain
And then the shower,
getting dressed
   and sneaking out
                 in solitude
licking my wounds
crying in anguish and shame
But then
   I remembered who I am
And I stood up,
and as I've done a thousand times
I stood up, looked around,
the sun was shining
and I kept walking
and I keep walking
and I will be walking
till the day I die.

Eytán Lasca-Szalit © July 27 2019