Hypothetical thinking vs wishful thinking

Hypothetical thinking sounds like a vast array of possibilities for thought.

On the other hand, wishful thinking is what it is, just envision things the way they could have happened (the way you'd like they happened).  And this can only lead to sorrow, anguish, depression, anxiety...

Face reality.
- Look/move forward
- As you move forward, don't deny your own emotions, mixed feelings

Carrying an ex on your mind
Carrying an ex on your heart
a heavy burden it is
like
     a
        knife
               piercing
                           through
                                       my chest
like a direct blow
                           to the liver

you stumble
                   move sideways
                   and then a sudden jab
                                     to your face
and you collapse
like a rag doll
                      and you try to get up
                             only to make it worse
stay down!
                 you hear that voice shouting
but you stand up
                  and a direct cross to the stomach
                                                   drives you down
and you stay down
                     crying
                     feeling like you've lost everything
                                          feeling like you've been cut off
and then, slowly
               lick your wounds,
                               vulnerable as hell
                                                 lick your wounds
                                as soon as you can
there's a long way to go
                       before you even begin to grow
                       before you even begin to learn
you hope you'll find strength
remembering the good things
but sometimes
                       they hurt you even more
but sometimes
                        they hurt you as much
                                                   as the sudden breakup
they hurt as much
                            as the feeling of not knowing what hit you
                                 the feeling of not knowing where exactly
                                                             the sudden breakup hit you
and every time you recall
in anguish and shame
your sudden pathetic fall
                     your mantra echoes
                     your
                             inner
                                     voice
                             keeps
                                      ringing in your ears
                                      not again
                                      not again
                                      not again.
                   

Fundamentals

Work on health, my own health.

Visiting PCP every 3 months is not enough. "Gotta be your own doctor as well."  -- Jorge T.

The Hunza people, McCarrington's research.  Longevity, never get cancer.

All human diseases are within us, dormant.

Watch out for stress.

Food, exercise, etc.

Everything is interrelated.

I can't complain

Relatively speaking, I can't complain.

I have a life.  I like my life.
This doesn't mean  I don't aspire to achieve certain things but I shouldn't rush.
I should take a deep breath, embrace the aftermath of this part of life, now that the left part of my brain is beginning to take over, after the emotional rollercoaster.

Thus spoke my Uruguayan alter ego

Yesterday afternoon I heard the voice of my Uruguayan alter ego.  He spoke, finally.
Maybe I should pay more attention to him.
Maybe I should listen to him once in a while.
Maybe I should have listened to him more often.
And now he spoke.  Life sometimes gives a man such a chance.

I lost by knockout but I must go on

I admit it.
I lost.
I lost by knockout.
  A couple of jabs to the face
                  and a cross straight to the liver
  that one hurt, a low blow, okay
                  but very effective
I didn't see it coming
I was stunned
   collapsed to the floor
   struggled to stand up before the protection count
   and I was driven to the ground
   once
   twice
and I stayed down
   exhausted
   in pain
And then the shower,
getting dressed
   and sneaking out
                 in solitude
licking my wounds
crying in anguish and shame
But then
   I remembered who I am
And I stood up,
and as I've done a thousand times
I stood up, looked around,
the sun was shining
and I kept walking
and I keep walking
and I will be walking
till the day I die.

Eytán Lasca-Szalit © July 27 2019

             

Somebody that I used to know

Like the title of a song
and now she's gone
hard to tell where's she's going

She says she moved on
and now she's not my lover
and now she's not my woman
now her name is anger
now her name is contempt

We shared love
 we shared respect
 we shared intimacy
 we shared sex in a way
       we never experienced before
 we shared the deepest love
 we both ever experienced
 and now she's gone
 and now she's gone

Now she's just somebody
 now she's just somebody
somebody that I used to know.

© Eytán Lasca-Szalit © 2019

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DqRC5tquyU0

Maybe she's just switching to different addictions

Maybe she was addicted to me and gave me up for stronger addictions:

Cannabis
maybe steroids
the fandom and its population
of nerds, stoners and dysfunctional types
venting her frustrations on the social media
anger
resentment
the adulation that money can buy
the sound of her own voice
the seemingly never-ending drive
to run around in circles.

It's another world.
She's in another world and had been there for considerable time.
I was a much safer addiction, I guess, but what the fuck...
I was not aware of it
I thought it was a way she would put it.
She used to say "you changed my life", as though she was saying, "you rescued me", "you saved me".  Maybe that was a red flag and I failed to see the potential for entropy.

---------------------

But I loved her in every possible way...  and she did too.
And then the earthquake.
I don't question JB's decision per se. I can't force her to love me.
But the way it happened was brutal.  It caught me live a direct punch to the liver.

If I had to blame someone/something I'd blame the US medical establishment.
- Opioid detox was brutal, it could have been done in a much better way.  It was dangerous.
-  Medical marijuana is a better alternative as a palliative per se, and at the same time, mixing all kinds and all strains is potentially dangerous as well.
- Steroids are dangerous too with certain patients.  Patients are human beings, not statistics.