More than a week together

More than a week together
Maybe we made it...
Not really
And she knows
And I know it
more than a week together
and it feels like it was a miracle
a whole month together
would feel like the impossible
becoming possible
and
      she
            mentioned
                             the M word
                             no.. not murder :-)
                             but it sounded scary at this stage of the game

We ARE extremely different
But it's been good so far
We had good times together
And I think less and less
about that woman I now
tend to call my ex
just my ex
somebody's widow
somebody that I used to know
a shadow from the past
   I
      can't
              afford
                        to get
                                 depressed

No.  Never again. NEVER AGAIN.
       

Everything's so new

Everything's so new
like a Summer morning,
like a brand new evening
in the middle of nowhere,
like a big city,
seen with brand new eyes.

Out of the corner
of my eye
I see my woman
getting up from bed
and we both smile.

I barely know her
and she barely knows me
I met her less than a week ago
On a Friday evening
And everything is so new
And everything is so strange
in a pleasant, good way.

Things with her might not
have even lasted a single minute
But we're still together
it'd be a miracle
for each other

For my beautiful woman
I'll even know what I don't know.

And,  "she don't know she's beautiful"

Eytán Lasca-Szalit © 2019

Physical realities

Since the breakup I lost 25 pounds, maybe more.  It doesn't sound spectacular but now I'm back to my weight during the Todo o nada days back in 2011, and I will probably keep losing more.
On the one hand I look kind of gaunt, but much lighter, but on the other hand I feel like I'm flying rather than running on the soccer field or taking a walk on the lakefront.

At least one advantage.  Funny, isn't it?  Or maybe not, but interesting anyway.

A quote from Sándor Márai

"It takes a lot of bravery to allow yourself to be loved without reserve. A bravery that is almost heroism. Most people can’t either give or receive love because they are cowardly and proud, because they are afraid of failing. They are afraid to offer themselves to another person, and even more afraid to surrender, because they’re scared their secret will be revealed… the sad secret of all human beings: that they need a lot of tenderness and can’t live without love."

An open wound

Allegations of violence against me are delaying my healing process and probably my ex's too.

I wish there would be a way to reach an agreement.

Her truth is her impression. I believe it was a case of altered perception, similar to a certain illusion she lived those days.  Cannabis effects? Steroids? Both? Most likely so.

Considering the emotional charge of the alleged incident(s) and for the sake of both my ex and I, we ought to acknowledge and accept it is still an open wound, and postpone any attempts to deal with it until we both heal.

I need time to heal.

My ex needs time to heal.

There is no point of arguing about this issue for the time being.

Nevertheless, this doesn't preclude that I acknowledge and accept the breakup.  It is a fact after all, and actions speak louder than words. I came to this point more than a month ago. My rational brain was there long before that, but at a time I was an emotional wreck.

It's ok to acknowledge you're hurt

Rushing through a post breakup recovery is no good.

Take your time.  Think.  Look around.

I'm not chasing the first woman who would grant me access to her body, although it would be hard to say no to that.  But, seriously, I need to heal, as rationally as I can.   I need to heal.

But first I have to acknowledge my own feelings.  Almost 16 years... and it wasn't just the time together but the intensity, a whole array of experiences we shared together.  Sex was always extraordinary, always.  And there was always affection, intimacy, complicity, sense of humor, shared reflections, thoughts, intuitions.  But all that remains in the past, JB is part of history.

Now, now... I don't know.

Altered perception (illusions, delusions) triggered by cannabis and/or steroids?  It is possible.  The rest I don't know, I shouldn't even be spending time thinking of my ex.  My ex, ex, ex....  she's gone. She's not my problem, she's not my concern, damn it!

There is no anger in me.  I wish there was.

I wish I were angry at her.  It would make things much easier.  But I'm not, I tried but I couldn't.

I decided to end all contact with her, more than a month ago and there were a few unforced errors on my end.  But wtf... human beings make mistakes.  We're only human, even if it sounds like an overused cliche.

Maybe I let them get too close to me

Es posible.

Siempre he guardado cosas que son mi mundo, mi propia esencia, mis señas de identidad.

Pero en el amor mi entrega siempre ha sido total.  Soy así, yo soy auténtico en la medida que me expreso con total intensidad y siempre es recíproco.

Yes, maybe I let women get too close to me.  Sure I do.  I can't help it, that's the way I am.
But there has to be a better way, a balance between authenticity and emotional safety.