Relatively speaking, I can't complain.
I have a life. I like my life.
This doesn't mean I don't aspire to achieve certain things but I shouldn't rush.
I should take a deep breath, embrace the aftermath of this part of life, now that the left part of my brain is beginning to take over, after the emotional rollercoaster.
Tuesday, July 30, 2019
Thus spoke my Uruguayan alter ego
Yesterday afternoon I heard the voice of my Uruguayan alter ego. He spoke, finally.
Maybe I should pay more attention to him.
Maybe I should listen to him once in a while.
Maybe I should have listened to him more often.
And now he spoke. Life sometimes gives a man such a chance.
Maybe I should pay more attention to him.
Maybe I should listen to him once in a while.
Maybe I should have listened to him more often.
And now he spoke. Life sometimes gives a man such a chance.
Sunday, July 28, 2019
I lost by knockout but I must go on
I admit it.
I lost.
I lost by knockout.
A couple of jabs to the face
and a cross straight to the liver
that one hurt, a low blow, okay
but very effective
I didn't see it coming
I was stunned
collapsed to the floor
struggled to stand up before the protection count
and I was driven to the ground
once
twice
and I stayed down
exhausted
in pain
And then the shower,
getting dressed
and sneaking out
in solitude
licking my wounds
crying in anguish and shame
But then
I remembered who I am
And I stood up,
and as I've done a thousand times
I stood up, looked around,
the sun was shining
and I kept walking
and I keep walking
and I will be walking
till the day I die.
Eytán Lasca-Szalit © July 27 2019
I lost.
I lost by knockout.
A couple of jabs to the face
and a cross straight to the liver
that one hurt, a low blow, okay
but very effective
I didn't see it coming
I was stunned
collapsed to the floor
struggled to stand up before the protection count
and I was driven to the ground
once
twice
and I stayed down
exhausted
in pain
And then the shower,
getting dressed
and sneaking out
in solitude
licking my wounds
crying in anguish and shame
But then
I remembered who I am
And I stood up,
and as I've done a thousand times
I stood up, looked around,
the sun was shining
and I kept walking
and I keep walking
and I will be walking
till the day I die.
Eytán Lasca-Szalit © July 27 2019
Friday, July 26, 2019
Somebody that I used to know
Like the title of a song
and now she's gone
hard to tell where's she's going
She says she moved on
and now she's not my lover
and now she's not my woman
now her name is anger
now her name is contempt
We shared love
we shared respect
we shared intimacy
we shared sex in a way
we never experienced before
we shared the deepest love
we both ever experienced
and now she's gone
and now she's gone
Now she's just somebody
now she's just somebody
somebody that I used to know.
© Eytán Lasca-Szalit © 2019
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DqRC5tquyU0
and now she's gone
hard to tell where's she's going
She says she moved on
and now she's not my lover
and now she's not my woman
now her name is anger
now her name is contempt
We shared love
we shared respect
we shared intimacy
we shared sex in a way
we never experienced before
we shared the deepest love
we both ever experienced
and now she's gone
and now she's gone
Now she's just somebody
now she's just somebody
somebody that I used to know.
© Eytán Lasca-Szalit © 2019
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DqRC5tquyU0
Tuesday, July 23, 2019
Maybe she's just switching to different addictions
Maybe she was addicted to me and gave me up for stronger addictions:
Cannabis
maybe steroids
the fandom and its population
of nerds, stoners and dysfunctional types
venting her frustrations on the social media
anger
resentment
the adulation that money can buy
the sound of her own voice
the seemingly never-ending drive
to run around in circles.
It's another world.
She's in another world and had been there for considerable time.
I was a much safer addiction, I guess, but what the fuck...
I was not aware of it
I thought it was a way she would put it.
She used to say "you changed my life", as though she was saying, "you rescued me", "you saved me". Maybe that was a red flag and I failed to see the potential for entropy.
---------------------
But I loved her in every possible way... and she did too.
And then the earthquake.
I don't question JB's decision per se. I can't force her to love me.
But the way it happened was brutal. It caught me live a direct punch to the liver.
If I had to blame someone/something I'd blame the US medical establishment.
- Opioid detox was brutal, it could have been done in a much better way. It was dangerous.
- Medical marijuana is a better alternative as a palliative per se, and at the same time, mixing all kinds and all strains is potentially dangerous as well.
- Steroids are dangerous too with certain patients. Patients are human beings, not statistics.
Cannabis
maybe steroids
the fandom and its population
of nerds, stoners and dysfunctional types
venting her frustrations on the social media
anger
resentment
the adulation that money can buy
the sound of her own voice
the seemingly never-ending drive
to run around in circles.
It's another world.
She's in another world and had been there for considerable time.
I was a much safer addiction, I guess, but what the fuck...
I was not aware of it
I thought it was a way she would put it.
She used to say "you changed my life", as though she was saying, "you rescued me", "you saved me". Maybe that was a red flag and I failed to see the potential for entropy.
---------------------
But I loved her in every possible way... and she did too.
And then the earthquake.
I don't question JB's decision per se. I can't force her to love me.
But the way it happened was brutal. It caught me live a direct punch to the liver.
If I had to blame someone/something I'd blame the US medical establishment.
- Opioid detox was brutal, it could have been done in a much better way. It was dangerous.
- Medical marijuana is a better alternative as a palliative per se, and at the same time, mixing all kinds and all strains is potentially dangerous as well.
- Steroids are dangerous too with certain patients. Patients are human beings, not statistics.
Cheesy woman
One day my woman
became my ex
one day in Spring
one day my ex
in a sudden turn
became the cheese
Vitriol and anger
on the internet
contempt and rancor
in tweets and posts
mopping the floor
with any man
living illusions
omnipotent
Said no more kisses
you're now my ex
and now
the cheese must stand alone
Said I'm the cheese
and I stand alone.
And now my woman
became my ex
a woman who once
was soul and flesh
and now my woman
who is now my ex
has now decided
to turn to cheese.
© Eytan Lasca-Szalit 2019
became my ex
one day in Spring
one day my ex
in a sudden turn
became the cheese
Vitriol and anger
on the internet
contempt and rancor
in tweets and posts
mopping the floor
with any man
living illusions
omnipotent
Said no more kisses
you're now my ex
and now
the cheese must stand alone
Said I'm the cheese
and I stand alone.
And now my woman
became my ex
a woman who once
was soul and flesh
and now my woman
who is now my ex
has now decided
to turn to cheese.
© Eytan Lasca-Szalit 2019
Addiction
Maybe my ex was just an addiction and I became an addict to her words and flesh.
"Eres el mejor amante del mundo", she would often say. And she was sincere.
That was in another era, another time.
That used to happen until not too long, after an earthquake split our world into obscene chunks of shattered reality.
Do I want to be with a woman who disrespects me, a woman in her late 50s who disrespects herself by acting like a teenage brat on the one hand, sometimes playing the merry widow, an unhinged, misguided cougar with a thirst for who knows what, and on the other hand spits out her resentment against men in general and any specific man who becomes the target of her intense, longtime bottled up anger/hatred? Do I? My left side of the brain's vote is an unqualified NO.
I finally got tired
tired of
her
paranoia
her mistrust
blaming it all on others
false allegations of violence
false allegations of anger (projection)
feelings of omnipotence
Someone who needs drugs
and money to pretend to be assertive
someone who has very little self-esteem
and needs all her money paraphernalia
and drugs
to spit on whoever is not part of her clan
deep down I am deeply sorry for her
But I need to protect myself
Someone who says "I moved on" over and over
is masking her own insecurity.
If you moved on, you wouldn't even think of me
Who do you think you're kidding?
I hope you don't believe I was interested in having a piece of that money.
You're gonna have lots of new acquaintances who will want to be acquainted with your money, probably more than being acquainted with you. And they will come back for more money, they always come back for more.
Hold on to your money, ex
you're gonna need it.
"Eres el mejor amante del mundo", she would often say. And she was sincere.
That was in another era, another time.
That used to happen until not too long, after an earthquake split our world into obscene chunks of shattered reality.
Do I want to be with a woman who disrespects me, a woman in her late 50s who disrespects herself by acting like a teenage brat on the one hand, sometimes playing the merry widow, an unhinged, misguided cougar with a thirst for who knows what, and on the other hand spits out her resentment against men in general and any specific man who becomes the target of her intense, longtime bottled up anger/hatred? Do I? My left side of the brain's vote is an unqualified NO.
I finally got tired
tired of
her
paranoia
her mistrust
blaming it all on others
false allegations of violence
false allegations of anger (projection)
feelings of omnipotence
Someone who needs drugs
and money to pretend to be assertive
someone who has very little self-esteem
and needs all her money paraphernalia
and drugs
to spit on whoever is not part of her clan
deep down I am deeply sorry for her
But I need to protect myself
Someone who says "I moved on" over and over
is masking her own insecurity.
If you moved on, you wouldn't even think of me
Who do you think you're kidding?
I hope you don't believe I was interested in having a piece of that money.
You're gonna have lots of new acquaintances who will want to be acquainted with your money, probably more than being acquainted with you. And they will come back for more money, they always come back for more.
Hold on to your money, ex
you're gonna need it.
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