When the past becomes history

When the past
becomes history
No more tears
No more heartbreak
When  the past
becomes history
no more acrimony
no more ruminating
no more what ifs
  When the past
  becomes history
    When the past
     becomes history
And then there's love
 there's love somewhere
                    in the big city
And then there's
a woman who smiles
when I hold her hand
And then there's love
and then there's life
a man and a woman
finding each other.

© Eytán Lasca-Szalit, October 2019

October time

Back from L.A.
back from Vegas
Feeling more rational
Feeling more grounded
Less wishful thinking
Much less wishful thinking
Learning and relearning,
Learning to see other people
as they really are
Learning to see myself
through someone else's eyes.

Against common sense - or Common sense as opposed to wishful thinking

I wrote this poem not too long ago.
Dreaming an impossible dream?
Clinging to an absurd hope?
Just plain wishful thinking?
        Let's face it Walker. Let's face it Walker, it looks as though it was carefully planned by JB and her close associates, right at the end of last Winter, that damned protracted Winter. You got screwed emotionally and otherwise.  Let's face it, Walker.  You're doing fine now and you can do better. Time to face reality, Walker.  You say you believe in her.  Believe in who?
You and JB wouldn't probably have much to talk about anyway, considering she's no longer the woman you loved and cherished.
She belongs to history.
Her own history.
My own history.
There were many good times, many good days.
-- There were glitches too, but we worked them out. Didn't we?
But money changes people, okay, drugs too, brutal withdrawal from opioids, a variety of strains and forms of cannabis, steroids and who knows what....
But in this case money played an important part.
I'd say money determines her attitude, her demeanor, even her self-esteem.
Money, just fucking money.  Most people do things just because they can, when they can.
-- I'm not that way.  I kept my cool when I fought creditors before bankruptcy and did not "freak out."
But JB is "most people." People who collapse when they have little or no money and feel omnipotent when they have a lot.
"Es lo que hay" bo.  She's gone, she became someone else. Juanita J. B. is gone.  



I believe in you
I have faith in you,
no matter whether you believe I believe in you,
no matter whether you yourself believe in yourself anymore,
regardless of your sudden changes
regardeless of your radical character mutations,
I believe in you
I have faith in you,
maybe because of this unawavering love
absurd unawavering love
  absurd unawavering hope
I am just a man in love
I am weak and I am strong
Vulnerable and resilient
seeminglly indestructible sometimes
incredibly fragile in certain occasions
And I still believe in you
  And I still have faith in you
Maybe because I know who your are
deep down,
I know who you are,
I know who you were,
And "la esperanza es lo último que se pierde"
"Hope is the last thing to die"
And despite everything else,
I stubbornly cling to this absurd hope
Because I love you
Despite everything and everybody else,
I still love you.

Aquí y ahora - Sin siquiera un adiós

Aquí y ahora
en esta ciudad conocida
y ajena a la vez,
reflexiono
con el corazón gastado
de inútiles
ansiedades
y destructivas preocupaciones,
tantas veces pensé
que tocaba el cielo
con las manos,
tantos años la amé,
día a día me entregué
a su amor y sin duda
creí que me amaba
pero no era más
que
     una
           cruel
                ilusión
borrada
            de un plumazo,
a puro cannabis
y activos financieros,
duras lecciones
ardua manera de colapsar
                       y a la fuerza
aprender a vivir
                       una vez más
                        una y otra vez.

© Eytán Lasca-Szalit, septiembre de 2019

El penúltimo aniversario

Penúltimo por no decir último,
cosas de yoruguas
porque nos da no se qué
decir último
desde hace quién sabe cuánto
Me pegaba fuerte la idea
de "conmemorar" otro aniversario
tan cerca de una ruptura sumamente traumática
Pero ahora bien, todo bien, fue una
especie de catarsis atenuada, de perfil bajo
muy a la uruguaya
"Vos te lo perdés"... etc.
Ahora "me vale gorro", valga la expresión mexicana.
Bueno... no tanto, pero estas cosas no me generan
la angustia que me generaban hace dos o tres meses
Sobre todo después
de su último mensaje de texto
bastante áspero y grosero...
y el que suscribe está cansado de soportar impertinencias
y hacerse el sueco, porque de sueco lo único que tengo
son las orejas con lóbulo adherente.
Chau, se acabó ese último/penúltimo aniversario.
Chau, supongo que seguirá la aludida buscando amor y/o emociones fuertes en las apps de citas,
evidentemente no está bien aunque es consciente de que está "medicada", pero a estas alturas, I don't give a damn.  Me importa un jocara.

We found each other

I found you
and you met me,
so different
and in a certain way,
                       so alike,
we reached out
and beyond any
complex hermeneutics
we reached out for love
we reached out for life
and we found each other
as simple as that.

© Eytán Lasca-Szalit, September 2019

                                         

Doors are opening

More about navigating heartbreak waters

Misread Ex's mixed signals
Sounds like texting is not my forte
The good thing is I didn't even cry
I "kind of" expected that door
to be slammed in my face again.
But what a difference
three months make
what a difference
two months make
what a difference
just a month makes
Lessons learned:
-She's gone
-She's emotionally ill
-She's "medicated"
What I inferred:
-She might not be having any psychological/psychiatric monitoring, help or whatever the fungus they want to call it. Maybe someone in her family, but that is highly questionable.  After a breakup people take sides, like in a ballgame, and I watched enough ballgames to last me for several years.
But enough with my futile hermeneutic attempts.  "Es lo que hay, valor" = "It is what it is, dude"

Doors open
and doors will open
desperation gradually
dissolves into curiosity
for human nature
anxiety gives way
to acceptance of what
life presents along the way

Good reminder
to keep focusing on myself
learn to live again
learn to love myself again
Enjoy the good things
relearn listening skills
I insist
relearn listening skills
embrace feelings
embrace intuition
I made mistakes
I accept my responsibility for unforced errors
Maybe I'm not cut out for casual dating
I can deal with it but I find it emotionally exhausting
Although occasionally it becomes exciting,